Updated every second to keep you abreast of the world's best
problems which are hand-selected especially in order to keep
you locked into a constant sense of helplessness and anxious
lethargy. NEWS IS EVERYTHING....REALITY IS NOTHING....
NEW !! CHEF NEWS
Gordon Ramsey has controversially been caught having frantic sexual relations
with a blow-up doll of the world. It's alleged the affair has been going on
for seconds ......and thirds.
In a similar case Jamie Oliver has been caught sexing with a blow-up doll of his
Nigella Lawson has turned herself into chocolate in a shrewd bid to attract more fans. Unfortunately her children weren't told of her decision and have eaten her tits.
The long haired chef who lives at a cottage in channel 4 has severely choked on the piles of boredom molecules that have been building up around him like rubbish ever since he was existed.
There have been mounting calls from the dramatic community for Kenneth Branagh to give more screentime to the patch of algae featured for a reflective second in his thought provoking detective program Wallander and even to step down in order to be replaced by the algae. They are already dubbing the algae "the green De Niro" and making grand statements such as "If Klaus Kinski be autotrophic, then this be he."
I am not one of these dramatic communiteers.
UK NEWS !!!!!!!!!
!!! WARNING: EVERYTHING ALERT !!!
Immigrants are stealing every single job in the UK and smuggling them back to their own countries.
Labour sanctions new Fair-Trade machinegun.
Binge-drinking increases tenfold as all UK reservoirs are filled with Barcardi Breezer by Gordon Blair in fatal boozecident.
IMPORTANT WARNING: ALERT ALERT !!!!!!!!!
An alert alert has been called. The alert calls on all citizens to be on the alert for rogue alerts which may actually be disguised periods of peace or safety.
OUR ADVICE: All alerts from now on are to be approached with extreme caution as they may be tricking you into a false sense of panic, fear and/or anxiety. A warning warning has also been called along similar lines.
LOCAL NEWS !!!!!!!!!
YOUTHS MENACE AIR !!!!
Youths have been menacing air particles in central park, Chelmsford. One youth was seen recording another stamping on a piece of air on his mobile phone. Others breath in as much oxygen as possible just to spite it by turning it into carbon dioxide, which amongst air communities is known as pikey air. Mist is also a target, youths take great bites out of it and make it weep.
Basildon is to be completely recreated as a giant theme park in USA with thousands of inflatable Gary Numan, Alison Moyet and Depeche Mode puppets strolling the streets and composing ditties for the delight of youngsters.
Chelmsford is being knocked down and converted into a pioneering giant Tesco superstore that can cater for around 300,000,000 customers at a time who will live and sleep there, eat there, have fun there and eventually perish there. There will be no need to do anything else in waking hours but work for Tesco, shop at Tesco, consume the shopping at Tesco and occasionally reproduce at Tesco to create more customers.
An old lady of 97, Witham, has been awarded an ASBO for swearing at a police officer who was eating her porridge in a bear suit. The porridge is now recieving counselling.
A CCTV camera in Frinton has secured the sacking of another CCTV camera which was only being used to record normality. Although no crimes have occured in the vicinity of the two cameras since their introduction, one camera noticed by the by that the other was not regarding normal people and normal events with enough suspicion and this was blatantly against the CCTV code of conduct.
Harlow has turned into a bender.
MORE: CELEBRITY NEWS !!!!!!!!
Chris Tarrant has burst after trying to eat one of his own "Who wants to be a Millionaire" quiz machines in his local pub. He allegedly saw his own face appear on the screen and manically started to try to swallow the machine whole, extending his mouth right around the top of the machine, in a similar way to the way snakes swallow eggs. He then burst. It's been speculated as to why he tried to eat the machine as he has since declined all interviews. The psychological standpoint is that he wanted to consume the entire world out of greed, starting with images and representations of himself in a bid to fortify himself and thus become a Super-Tarrant. The more straightforward view is that he was very hungry and thought the he was a pork.
Trisha has been caught eating some of her guests backstage and was quoted "no one will ever miss these people; the pork scratchings of humanity.", she has since been released on bail from the channel 5 jail and set sail for Wales in a pail full of ale....(in a gale.)
Fern Britton is to be knocked down by developers to build a giant Morrisons and luxury appartments in her place. She will be remembered and revered through the naming of a flagship roundabout after her.
Status Quo are embarking on a whistlestop tour of the world's finest ashtrays. The band have been shrunken down to fag size and will be transported high speed in a mag-lev tab tin.
Alicia Key has finally learnt to play "London Bridge is falling down" on her Bontempi organ after years of frantic toil. She will be performing it in front of a live audience concert which is being broadcasted around the world in the name of a world charity that's making the world get better because of famous people playing some music for charity and the world and getting paid loads of money for it (around the world)(for charity)(it's good)(the world)(better).
U2 have turned into Guinness.
Neil Kinnock has turned into a radish and is available at a Sainsburys.
Pierce Brosnan "pierced" M in one of his epic PCP bouts tommorow.
Sylvester Stallone became just another statistic today. This has been very problematic for his career as no-one knows precisely which statistic he has become. The Hollywood police, his agents, family and friends have been searching statistics high and low but without luck so far. People have been told to be on the lookout for a short and aggressive statistic which may have constructed a boxing ring or warzone around itself. One thing is for sure though, this statistic will win in the end.
Tom Selleck imploded twice last week but is bearing up well.
Steven Seagal breathed himself in on thursday the 22nd and hasn't been seen since.
Matt Damon had a fight with a wheelie bin but lost severely, he is now recuperating through doing blender presentations in various Comet outlets around the UK.
Billy Zane was turned into a goldfish by a spurned lover, was sold down the fair, terrorised by a cat in his bowl at home and finally given to a local fishbreeder to go on to lead a fulfilling life in a piranha tank.